It’s often been said that if you get a bunch of women together, they just can’t get along. People say, “Women are ‘catty’, ‘jealous’ and ‘backbiting’”. “If they all have to work together, it will never get done because all they do is gossip”. And, Lawd help us, if you get women of color together, it’s really ‘on’ then! There has been much talk and debate about whether a sistah can ever really have a true girlfriend. You know, true-blue-and-tight-like-glue? Well, there have been songs sang and books and movies written proving that women can, in fact, get along. But if you ask the average sistah, she would probably say, “Unnhh, unnhh! No Way!”
I use to wear the same ‘Women Just Can’t Get Along’ t-shirt until I had two significant things happen in my life that disproved that theory. The first one is that I read this book many years ago called, “The Friendships of Women” by Dee Brestin, DeeBrestin.com. In the book, Ms. Brestin points out why women are the way they are and how it can actually benefit our friendships. We are very passionate and when we love, we love hard. So if we feel betrayed, you’re gonna know it. She uses the friendship example of Ruth and Naomi in the Bible and shows how it can, indeed, be done. She gives insight into characteristics about us that are unique, which makes us excellent friends…but also excellent enemies.
The other significant thing that happened is that I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some real, genuine, honest-to-goodness friendships with a (small) group of girlfriends. We got each other’s backs no matter what. We’ve encouraged each other through heartbreaks and celebrated each other in triumph. Dee Brestin wrote a sequel to “The Friendships of Women” called “We are Sisters”. In the sequel, she talks about how our female friendships can actually help enhance our other relationships. A lot of sistahs feel like if they got their man, that’s all they need. Well, I beg to differ. Your sistah-friends can actually be a great sounding board and voice of reason when you and your man are having some challenges (cause you will). Also, a little ‘girl-time’ can refresh you and make you more amicable in dealing with your family, your co-workers or even your neighbors.
I ran across two powerful pieces of literature that speaks to the importance of us coming together as sistah-friends and embracing, supporting and encouraging one another. Norka Blackman Richards wrote a powerful essay entitled, “Eight Hateful Things Women Do to Each Other”. It echoes my observation and experiences in dealing with other women and encourages us to discontinue certain practices in “order to heal our sisterhood”. Another great essay, “The Sister Accord”, written by Sonia Jackson Myles, is a beautiful affirmation admonishing us to uphold one another as sisters.
I think the bottom line is that any relationship; friendship, marriage or otherwise, takes a tremendous amount of effort and can only be as good as you make it. We have so much to offer one another and we’re cheating ourselves and others when we hold out on giving the gift of friendship. I know we’ve been burnt before; our best friend stole our boyfriend, our sister told everyone that we peed in the bed when were little, our college roommate went out with a guy she knew that we liked, etcetera and so forth. But let’s squash all of that! If we understood the enrichment having a good girlfriend had in our lives, we would realize our mass potential to effect change, not just in our community and world, but more importantly, in ourselves. That old song by Whodini is ringing in my head, “Friends. How many of us have them?” Let’s make efforts to debunk the stereotypes, embrace one another and tell another sistah, “You can count on me…”
This will conclude the Mean Girls Series. I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought and that you’ve taken the opportunity to challenge yourself and others in your attitudes and actions toward other women. Since beginning this series, I’ve had to check myself quite a few times. The reality is that infighting and derision only further divides us and hinders us from our true purpose. Let’s make a commitment to ourselves and other sistahs to stop the madness and instead make concerted efforts to build one another up.
Be Inspired!
Inspired Sistah
Monday, September 7, 2009
Last Week's Poll Results...
Last Week’s Poll Question was: You show up to your daughter’s dance recital and you spot your ex and the chick he left you for. What do you do? Eighty percent of you said that you would, “Walk up to them and speak. After all, you are looking pretty cute tonight”. Everyone took the high road & decided not to “Bust her upside her head, ‘cause it’s been a long time coming!” LOL! No one wanted to, “Make a bee-line to your car before they see you; your daughter will never know you missed her dance”. And only one person chose to, “Ignore them; you’ve moved past the drama. More power to them”!
I think it’s big of you to want to go over and speak to your ex and his Home-Wrecker girlfriend, but I would caution you to examine your motives. If you’re going over to them because you have truly forgiven them and are healed and free, then ‘Go On, Sistah’! But if you’re going over there to rub in his face the fact that you are 20 lbs. lighter and looking better than ever, then you would do better to keep your seat. Gloating before them may give you a short-lived burst of satisfaction, but the real victory comes in when you have done the work and you are healed and whole. Wouldn’t it be the best thing ever if you could sit comfortably in your own being and have internal peace and satisfaction knowing that what the devil meant for evil, God meant for good?! Now he can put that in his pipe and smoke it!
I think it’s big of you to want to go over and speak to your ex and his Home-Wrecker girlfriend, but I would caution you to examine your motives. If you’re going over to them because you have truly forgiven them and are healed and free, then ‘Go On, Sistah’! But if you’re going over there to rub in his face the fact that you are 20 lbs. lighter and looking better than ever, then you would do better to keep your seat. Gloating before them may give you a short-lived burst of satisfaction, but the real victory comes in when you have done the work and you are healed and whole. Wouldn’t it be the best thing ever if you could sit comfortably in your own being and have internal peace and satisfaction knowing that what the devil meant for evil, God meant for good?! Now he can put that in his pipe and smoke it!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Mean Girls Series-Part 4: Dream Killers
It’s not uncommon to meet a sistah who has a dream. She may dream of owning a salon, writing a book, or being a rock star! The question then becomes, “Why isn’t she going for it?” Trying to pinpoint exactly what the obstacles are, I realize that it can be from external forces like a lack of contacts or financing, but from internal ones, as well. I began to think about some Dream Killers that could potentially hold us back from living our dreams. And for illustrative purposes, I will address them as ‘sistahs’ to make them more real to you. As you’re reading their descriptions, feel free to do some self-examination and see if any them sound familiar.
Sistah Anger: There’s a name I give a sistah who walks around mad at the world with a chip on her shoulder acting like a rebel without a cause. I call her an ABW: Angry, Black Woman. You know her; she always has an ‘attitude’. She has a negative opinion about everything & everybody. She’s usually using this demeanor as a cover-up for some pain or injustice she’s experienced in the past. Having a hard time moving past it, she wears this Anger like a badge of honor.
Sistah Bitterness: Bitterness is a close cousin to Anger. She shows up when you feel you didn’t get a ‘fair shake’ in a situation. She is hardened to possibilities of greater opportunities because she doesn’t have faith that the situation will turn out in her favor. I mean, why should it now? It hasn’t in the past. Like the taste of something bitter, this sistah is just unpleasant to be around.
Sistah Resentment: Anger, Bitterness and Resentment are BFF’s. Resentment makes her mark by making it difficult to appreciate positive things going on whether it’s in her own life or someone else’s. This sistah can never celebrate your accomplishments. When you tell her that you’re getting a promotion on your job, she says something like, “Ummph! It must be nice. Everybody ain’t able…” Don’t you know people like that? I do! Ugghhh!
Sistah Jealousy: Okay, so if you have the three BFF’s, Anger, Bitterness and Resentment, you know Jealousy will not be far behind. She’s gotta hang with her girls, too. Not only is this sistah Angry because you always get picked for the special projects at work but she’s also Bitter ‘cause no one notices how good of a job she does. Resentment manifests when she then starts resenting you, anyone who acknowledges you and the whole fact that she was the one that trained you in the first place. And then she becomes Jealous of you and the fact that everything always works out for you.
Can’t you just smell the toxins that are oozing out of these sistahs? Because of the stronghold these attitudes may have on them, everything is viewed through the color of their emotions. They are Dream Killers because it is very difficult to have the motivation and stamina necessary to pursue your dreams if you are laden down with all this baggage. Too many of us won’t deal with the REAL, but we instead act like we got it going on. When, in fact, we’re walking around with these festering sores all covered up in our Gucci & Prada.
What’s the solution? How about doing some serious self-evaluation and see what’s REALLY going on. Okay, so Ray-Ray left you for Bonequesha? So the person you trained eventually took your job? So your best friend told everybody that Ray-Ray left you with a “gift” that keeps on giving? You have a decision to make. Are you going to allow yourself to be consumed with the pain of those betrayals? Or are you going to use them like fertilizer and allow them to make you grow and flourish? Harboring ill-feelings is toxic; physically, emotionally and spiritually. They hinder you moving forth in Purpose and stunt your growth. Do yourself a favor: In the words of Martin Payne, tell those Dream Killas to "Getta Steppin'!"
Next week we’ll wrap the Mean Girls Series with a special tribute to our Sistah Friends and some possible solutions to dealing with Mean Girls and their antics.
Until next week…
Be Inspired!
Inspired Sistah
Sistah Anger: There’s a name I give a sistah who walks around mad at the world with a chip on her shoulder acting like a rebel without a cause. I call her an ABW: Angry, Black Woman. You know her; she always has an ‘attitude’. She has a negative opinion about everything & everybody. She’s usually using this demeanor as a cover-up for some pain or injustice she’s experienced in the past. Having a hard time moving past it, she wears this Anger like a badge of honor.
Sistah Bitterness: Bitterness is a close cousin to Anger. She shows up when you feel you didn’t get a ‘fair shake’ in a situation. She is hardened to possibilities of greater opportunities because she doesn’t have faith that the situation will turn out in her favor. I mean, why should it now? It hasn’t in the past. Like the taste of something bitter, this sistah is just unpleasant to be around.
Sistah Resentment: Anger, Bitterness and Resentment are BFF’s. Resentment makes her mark by making it difficult to appreciate positive things going on whether it’s in her own life or someone else’s. This sistah can never celebrate your accomplishments. When you tell her that you’re getting a promotion on your job, she says something like, “Ummph! It must be nice. Everybody ain’t able…” Don’t you know people like that? I do! Ugghhh!
Sistah Jealousy: Okay, so if you have the three BFF’s, Anger, Bitterness and Resentment, you know Jealousy will not be far behind. She’s gotta hang with her girls, too. Not only is this sistah Angry because you always get picked for the special projects at work but she’s also Bitter ‘cause no one notices how good of a job she does. Resentment manifests when she then starts resenting you, anyone who acknowledges you and the whole fact that she was the one that trained you in the first place. And then she becomes Jealous of you and the fact that everything always works out for you.
Can’t you just smell the toxins that are oozing out of these sistahs? Because of the stronghold these attitudes may have on them, everything is viewed through the color of their emotions. They are Dream Killers because it is very difficult to have the motivation and stamina necessary to pursue your dreams if you are laden down with all this baggage. Too many of us won’t deal with the REAL, but we instead act like we got it going on. When, in fact, we’re walking around with these festering sores all covered up in our Gucci & Prada.
What’s the solution? How about doing some serious self-evaluation and see what’s REALLY going on. Okay, so Ray-Ray left you for Bonequesha? So the person you trained eventually took your job? So your best friend told everybody that Ray-Ray left you with a “gift” that keeps on giving? You have a decision to make. Are you going to allow yourself to be consumed with the pain of those betrayals? Or are you going to use them like fertilizer and allow them to make you grow and flourish? Harboring ill-feelings is toxic; physically, emotionally and spiritually. They hinder you moving forth in Purpose and stunt your growth. Do yourself a favor: In the words of Martin Payne, tell those Dream Killas to "Getta Steppin'!"
Next week we’ll wrap the Mean Girls Series with a special tribute to our Sistah Friends and some possible solutions to dealing with Mean Girls and their antics.
Until next week…
Be Inspired!
Inspired Sistah
Last Week's Poll Results...
Last week’s question was: Jackie, your BFF since 2nd gr. always seems to pull a disappearing act when you need her the most. Fed up with her behavior, what do you do? Fifty-Seven percent of you took the high road and decided to express to her how you feel & ask that she respect the friendship. Some of you, though, said that you would delete her from FB, MySpace, Twitter, Email & your Cell Phone! LOL! Only one person wanted to give her an ultimatum and tell her to clean up her ugly ways or getta steppin’! And no one wanted to overlook her behavior.
It’s likely since you two were friends since the 2nd grade that you have some positive history and the relationship is at least worth trying to save. Probably the better way to handle the situation is to address her and see where her head and heart are. Her being undependable may be an awful character flaw, but her lack of support for you may not be meant to be malicious. And it’s likely if confronted, she may not even realize that she’s been taking you for granted. If she blows you off and continues her trifling behavior, then you know where she stands and you can make a decision based on everything that’s been presented to you. That’s the Big Girl way to handle it, but boy is it tempting to delete her and give her the peace sign! LOL!
It’s likely since you two were friends since the 2nd grade that you have some positive history and the relationship is at least worth trying to save. Probably the better way to handle the situation is to address her and see where her head and heart are. Her being undependable may be an awful character flaw, but her lack of support for you may not be meant to be malicious. And it’s likely if confronted, she may not even realize that she’s been taking you for granted. If she blows you off and continues her trifling behavior, then you know where she stands and you can make a decision based on everything that’s been presented to you. That’s the Big Girl way to handle it, but boy is it tempting to delete her and give her the peace sign! LOL!
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