Mean Girls Series-Part 4: Dream Killers

It’s not uncommon to meet a sistah who has a dream. She may dream of owning a salon, writing a book, or being a rock star! The question then becomes, “Why isn’t she going for it?” Trying to pinpoint exactly what the obstacles are, I realize that it can be from external forces like a lack of contacts or financing, but from internal ones, as well. I began to think about some Dream Killers that could potentially hold us back from living our dreams. And for illustrative purposes, I will address them as ‘sistahs’ to make them more real to you. As you’re reading their descriptions, feel free to do some self-examination and see if any them sound familiar.

Sistah Anger: There’s a name I give a sistah who walks around mad at the world with a chip on her shoulder acting like a rebel without a cause. I call her an ABW: Angry, Black Woman. You know her; she always has an ‘attitude’. She has a negative opinion about everything & everybody. She’s usually using this demeanor as a cover-up for some pain or injustice she’s experienced in the past. Having a hard time moving past it, she wears this Anger like a badge of honor.

Sistah Bitterness: Bitterness is a close cousin to Anger. She shows up when you feel you didn’t get a ‘fair shake’ in a situation. She is hardened to possibilities of greater opportunities because she doesn’t have faith that the situation will turn out in her favor. I mean, why should it now? It hasn’t in the past. Like the taste of something bitter, this sistah is just unpleasant to be around.

Sistah Resentment: Anger, Bitterness and Resentment are BFF’s. Resentment makes her mark by making it difficult to appreciate positive things going on whether it’s in her own life or someone else’s. This sistah can never celebrate your accomplishments. When you tell her that you’re getting a promotion on your job, she says something like, “Ummph! It must be nice. Everybody ain’t able…” Don’t you know people like that? I do! Ugghhh!

Sistah Jealousy: Okay, so if you have the three BFF’s, Anger, Bitterness and Resentment, you know Jealousy will not be far behind. She’s gotta hang with her girls, too. Not only is this sistah Angry because you always get picked for the special projects at work but she’s also Bitter ‘cause no one notices how good of a job she does. Resentment manifests when she then starts resenting you, anyone who acknowledges you and the whole fact that she was the one that trained you in the first place. And then she becomes Jealous of you and the fact that everything always works out for you.

Can’t you just smell the toxins that are oozing out of these sistahs? Because of the stronghold these attitudes may have on them, everything is viewed through the color of their emotions. They are Dream Killers because it is very difficult to have the motivation and stamina necessary to pursue your dreams if you are laden down with all this baggage. Too many of us won’t deal with the REAL, but we instead act like we got it going on. When, in fact, we’re walking around with these festering sores all covered up in our Gucci & Prada.

What’s the solution? How about doing some serious self-evaluation and see what’s REALLY going on. Okay, so Ray-Ray left you for Bonequesha? So the person you trained eventually took your job? So your best friend told everybody that Ray-Ray left you with a “gift” that keeps on giving? You have a decision to make. Are you going to allow yourself to be consumed with the pain of those betrayals? Or are you going to use them like fertilizer and allow them to make you grow and flourish? Harboring ill-feelings is toxic; physically, emotionally and spiritually. They hinder you moving forth in Purpose and stunt your growth. Do yourself a favor: In the words of Martin Payne, tell those Dream Killas to "Getta Steppin'!"

Next week we’ll wrap the Mean Girls Series with a special tribute to our Sistah Friends and some possible solutions to dealing with Mean Girls and their antics.

Until next week…
Be Inspired!

Inspired Sistah

Last Week's Poll Results...

Last week’s question was: Jackie, your BFF since 2nd gr. always seems to pull a disappearing act when you need her the most. Fed up with her behavior, what do you do? Fifty-Seven percent of you took the high road and decided to express to her how you feel & ask that she respect the friendship. Some of you, though, said that you would delete her from FB, MySpace, Twitter, Email & your Cell Phone! LOL! Only one person wanted to give her an ultimatum and tell her to clean up her ugly ways or getta steppin’! And no one wanted to overlook her behavior.

It’s likely since you two were friends since the 2nd grade that you have some positive history and the relationship is at least worth trying to save. Probably the better way to handle the situation is to address her and see where her head and heart are. Her being undependable may be an awful character flaw, but her lack of support for you may not be meant to be malicious. And it’s likely if confronted, she may not even realize that she’s been taking you for granted. If she blows you off and continues her trifling behavior, then you know where she stands and you can make a decision based on everything that’s been presented to you. That’s the Big Girl way to handle it, but boy is it tempting to delete her and give her the peace sign! LOL!

Mean Girls Series-Part 3: 'Frienemies'

I heard the term ‘frienemies’ some time ago and it piqued my interest. A frienemy is an enemy disguised as a friend. The sad thing is that a lot of frienemies don’t know they’re offenders. Most don’t deliberately set out to sabotage your success; they just do it as only someone in your inner circle can. There’s a saying that says, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Well, where do frienemies fit in that schematic?

I’ll admit that there are devious people out there that will deliberately befriend you in order to gain some particular benefit or inflict some hurt upon you, but I’m not speaking of them. I’m speaking of people who cloak themselves in a friendship garment, but who are secretly jealous of you or who can’t celebrate you or who are selfish and so consumed with their own drama that they can’t support you. A healthy friendship is based on mutual encouragement and support. There’s no room for hatin’. These ‘friends’ are what I call ‘SUCKERS’. They suck all of your energy, time and talent and leave you with nothing. They also have nothing to offer you in return.

Evaluate the people you engage with that you call your friends. When you leave their presence or get off the phone with them, how do you feel? Do you feel encouraged, motivated and free? Or do you feel discouraged, discontent and dumped on? Don’t get me wrong, Dee Dee may be your girl from the 5th grade, but if she’s a taker and not a giver, she may be doing you more harm than good. Good, healthy relationships have balance. Dee Dee should have a little sumtin’, sumtin’ for you sometimes.

So take a look around your life. What do you see? Cheerleaders or Dump Trucks? Friends or Foes? If they’re not for you, they’re against you. You may have to make a decision about what place they will have in your life. After careful scrutiny, you may just find that they’re more foe than friend. In fact, they actually may be a ‘frienemy’!

Next week I’m going to introduce you to some sistahs who may be lurking in the shadows of your life whose sole purpose in life is to steal your joy and kill your dreams.

I’d love to get some feedback from you regarding this series and answer any questions you may have. You can contact me at InspirationallySpeaking@comcast.net.

Be blessed!
Inspired Sistah

Last Week's Poll Results...

Last week’s poll question was: You’re excited about your new promotion at work & you overhear some of your co-workers bad-mouthing you. What do you do? The majority of you chose to ignore their remarks "‘cause they’re just sippin’ on Hatorade!" The 2nd highest choice was to call them in your office at separate times to ask them if they had anything that they’d like to discuss with you. And finally, the 3rd most-picked answer was to "confront those skanks!" LOL!

One thing that I’ve learned in dealing with people who gossip about others is that, when confronted, very few of them will ‘fess up to their rhetoric. So, sometimes, the whole confrontation thing satisfies your need to let them know that you ain’t no punk more than it does to correct the behavior or get down to the real. I favor ignoring them because if they were so wonderful, they would have gotten the promotion themselves. People sittin’ around talkin’ ain’t doin’. And if they ain’t doin’, then they’re not worth your energy!