Back in the day, I used to have a beautiful head of long, thick hair and when I was in my late twenties, I began losing it. It started as just a small patch at the crown of my head that was easily covered by the rest of my hair. And then it began to progress to the point where I just needed to use one track of weave to cover the spot and then eventually needing a full head of hair weave. The process of losing my hair was very painful; from the embarrassing stares and whispers at the beauty shop when I would get my hair done to the sideways glances of other sisters trying to figure out if my hair was “real” or not.
It’s been about 10 years since I’ve begun this particular journey and I wish that I could say that I’m completely comfortable with my hair loss, but I’m not. Because I can talk about it without shame, people wrongly assume that I’m okay with it. I still feel a little twinge of discomfort when someone asks me about my lace wig. I’m still disappointed and slightly angry that I get judged by how my hair looks. After all, I am NOT my hair, as India.Arie so eloquently put it. However, this is my reality, and I have a choice to make. I heard Joyce Meyer say that, “You can be pitiful or you can be powerful, but you can’t be both!” That statement really resonated with me. I had to decide: Do I want to sit around and wallow in self-pity? Bemoan my situation and ask myself why? Quite honestly, the whole pity-party thing doesn’t work too well for me. My life has been a series of challenges, and sitting around whining about them has never been my forte. Instead I choose to use my adversities as tools of empowerment to myself and others. The truth of the matter is that WE ALL HAVE ISSUES in one regard or the other.
The difference between triumph and defeat is based on the choices we make. Two people can experience the exact same hardships, but their attitudes and actions determine their outcome. There is real power in taking a situation that seems completely unbearable, completely hopeless and completely un-survivable and using it as a means to encourage others. No one says that you have to have a huge platform for others to hear you. But your day-to-day choices and conversations will convey to others that you can roll with the best of them and still come out on top. So the next time you find yourself faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, ask yourself, “Do I want to be pitiful or do I want to be powerful?” Think long and hard and choose wisely, ‘cause we’re depending on you.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Last Week's Poll Results..
Last week’s poll question was: On your first weekend off in several mos., you get a frantic call from your girl, GiGi, asking you to babysit for her tonight so that she and her new boyfriend, Tre, can have a romantic night alone. What do you do? Ninety percent of you said that you would call her back and apologize for not being able to help her out and encourage her to call someone else. Now I know that your initial Superwoman Instinct may have felt a twinge of guilt for not flying to the rescue to help your girl out, but remember, you hadn’t taken time for yourself in a minute. If GiGi was really your girl, she would have been sensitive to your need to refresh yourself and found someone else to dump on. Remember that even well-intentioned people can sometimes become life-drainers. It’s important for you to set boundaries, minister to the needs of others when you can, but don’t forget to take care of you!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Superwoman
Growing up I loved to watch the DC Comics series. You know, they had some bad chicks in them like Wonder Woman and Super Girl. Those girls would be regular sistahs one minute and saving the world the next. Now that’s something to aspire to. Who didn’t own a pair of Super Girl Underoos and run around the house jumping off the couch exerting her super powers?
As women of color, we’re known for our strength. We’re known as being the ‘Go-To’ Women. We know how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never, ever let you forget you’re a man! We wear this badge with honor, and very well, we should. But there’s a downside to being a Superwoman. In an effort to appear as if we have it all together, we can sacrifice ourselves physically, spiritually and emotionally. Afraid to let anyone see a crack in our armor, we secretly suffer unnecessarily. We think that we will be perceived as weak if we show vulnerability. So we keep on truckin’ even though we’re struggling with addictions, low self-esteem, depression, or a “I-don’t-need-nobody,-I-got-this!” mentality. Why do we do this to ourselves? Some of it is culturally learned from our Mama’s and Big Mama’s where we were taught not to have to depend on anyone but ourselves. And some of our behaviors are adapted behaviors in an effort to insulate ourselves from hurt, rejection and disappointment. Whatever the root, the fruit is spoiling.
While our resilience is admirable, it can sometimes be a cover-up for being broken and bruised. While we sometimes appear like we always have it ‘goin' on’, we’re only fooling ourselves. Like a beautiful vase with a crack in it, eventually, the contents will seep through. Those toxic contents manifest themselves in a lot of different ways, but one of them is what I call the Superwoman Complex. That’s when we appear to be able to handle all of our drama and everyone else’s too. And when our cup approaches the full line, instead of saying, “You know, I would love to help you out, but I just can’t right now”, we heap more stuff on our plates, and begin to neglect the things that should be important to us, including ourselves. That type of behavior will put you on the fast track to destruction. Know that it’s okay to be vulnerable and transparent and take some time to take care of you. Because after you finish saving the day and running yourself in the ground, those same people you tried to rescue will just step right over you and continue doing what they want to be doing anyway, despite your efforts. So leave the superhero escapades to the media, and do yourself a favor, retire the ‘S’ and bid ado to Superwoman.
As women of color, we’re known for our strength. We’re known as being the ‘Go-To’ Women. We know how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never, ever let you forget you’re a man! We wear this badge with honor, and very well, we should. But there’s a downside to being a Superwoman. In an effort to appear as if we have it all together, we can sacrifice ourselves physically, spiritually and emotionally. Afraid to let anyone see a crack in our armor, we secretly suffer unnecessarily. We think that we will be perceived as weak if we show vulnerability. So we keep on truckin’ even though we’re struggling with addictions, low self-esteem, depression, or a “I-don’t-need-nobody,-I-got-this!” mentality. Why do we do this to ourselves? Some of it is culturally learned from our Mama’s and Big Mama’s where we were taught not to have to depend on anyone but ourselves. And some of our behaviors are adapted behaviors in an effort to insulate ourselves from hurt, rejection and disappointment. Whatever the root, the fruit is spoiling.
While our resilience is admirable, it can sometimes be a cover-up for being broken and bruised. While we sometimes appear like we always have it ‘goin' on’, we’re only fooling ourselves. Like a beautiful vase with a crack in it, eventually, the contents will seep through. Those toxic contents manifest themselves in a lot of different ways, but one of them is what I call the Superwoman Complex. That’s when we appear to be able to handle all of our drama and everyone else’s too. And when our cup approaches the full line, instead of saying, “You know, I would love to help you out, but I just can’t right now”, we heap more stuff on our plates, and begin to neglect the things that should be important to us, including ourselves. That type of behavior will put you on the fast track to destruction. Know that it’s okay to be vulnerable and transparent and take some time to take care of you. Because after you finish saving the day and running yourself in the ground, those same people you tried to rescue will just step right over you and continue doing what they want to be doing anyway, despite your efforts. So leave the superhero escapades to the media, and do yourself a favor, retire the ‘S’ and bid ado to Superwoman.
Last Week's Poll Results...
Last week’s question was: After several months of spear-heading a special project at work, you complete it and submit it to your boss. Impressed with the work, your boss goes to one of your team members and offers them the promotion you’ve been seeking. What do you do?
Sixty-three percent of you said that you would arrange a meeting with your boss, outline your list of contributions to the company and request that the promotion be given to you instead. A few of you thought that maybe you should resign and some of you even thought that maybe your contributions were not as good as you thought. It’s important to be confident in your abilities and be assertive in displaying your talents. The people that advance are those that believe in their gifts and are not ashamed to tell the world. We all know people who are not necessarily all that talented, by our standards, but somehow they seem to be successful in their ventures. I believe that part of the reasoning behind their success is their willingness to put themselves out there and be immune to failure. The only thing that shyness will get you is a back seat on the bus! So keep doing yo’ thang, girlfriend, ‘cause you deserve it!
Sixty-three percent of you said that you would arrange a meeting with your boss, outline your list of contributions to the company and request that the promotion be given to you instead. A few of you thought that maybe you should resign and some of you even thought that maybe your contributions were not as good as you thought. It’s important to be confident in your abilities and be assertive in displaying your talents. The people that advance are those that believe in their gifts and are not ashamed to tell the world. We all know people who are not necessarily all that talented, by our standards, but somehow they seem to be successful in their ventures. I believe that part of the reasoning behind their success is their willingness to put themselves out there and be immune to failure. The only thing that shyness will get you is a back seat on the bus! So keep doing yo’ thang, girlfriend, ‘cause you deserve it!
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